There were, of course, other natural changes throughout my childhood-- moving from pre-school to Sanford, from lower school to middle school, but another one that hit me especially hard was starting high-school. I gradually got older and more mature. Never have I ever experienced a more daunting, strange, exciting yet depressing stage of life than that one (early twenties, don't worry I'll get to you, you're a close second). My best friend moved to another school and we were in a fight for a few months about god knows what, my boyfriend and first love dumped me and was dating someone else, I didn't make varsity volleyball like I was hoping to, I didn't know where or who anything was, I was getting pressured by the popular girls to help them cheat, I was getting my ass handed to me by "BioChem I" and geometry, the list goes on, but I digress-- you see, it was not a fun time. I didn't have the tools yet to understand how to navigate change. I let it take a choke hold on me. I didn't have a plan and didn't know how to get my bearings. I sat in my room and listened to Cold Play-- that was my plan. I could've handled it all better, but I didn't yet know how. By the end of the year, though, things were looking up naturally. I'd found some great new friends, met a new guy, and had a great time playing tennis. But no pain, no gain, right? I was a better person
College was a similar experience. I remember being irate that I couldn't sleep in my own bed. I went home all the time. I tried to transfer. I resisted. I was probably really crummy to my hall mates, who were actually really cool people, I was just never there to be a friend. Thank goodness I found hockey-- it revolutionized and still is revolutionizing my life.
Graduation, well, I rolled into and out of that since I already had my internship and job secured, so that wasn't too bad, but I did fight tooth and nail the idea of being in an office in a desk chair for eight straight hours. Still fighting that good fight, and winning right now! :)
Relationships. I always held on longer than I should've and caused more pain than I meant to because I resisted turning both of our lives upside down. My relationship with, Darin, however has proven to me the absolute importance of being an independent creature with my own personality, interests, functions, and time. That balance is key.
Anyway, so what emotions and reactions to change have we covered so far: nervousness, anger, resistance, acceptance. Ok, I get it... I still don't know why I didn't love college as much as everyone else, but I get it. But then something happened. I turned 23.
I had a quarter-life crisis, short one year. I craved change so much, the spinning of my wheels made my head hurt. I tried to force change. I tried to force a path forward, force relationships (platonic and non) with people that I thought should be meaningful, force myself to attend events and do things that I thought should be good for me, change things that didn't seem right. I put myself through an MBA program full time while working full time. I was doing grown up things, planning to buy grown up cars, plotting to buy houses. I cried a lot. I schemed a lot. I was disappointed in myself and in others a lot. I picked on myself. I picked on my friends and boyfriends. I looked in the mirror and was not thankful for what I had, only driven to get what I had not yet.
I joined the Y. I got fitter. I got leaner. I was in great shape. I looked in the mirror and still hated what I saw. You could be better, my reflection told me. This isn't good enough, you need to try harder!
Last year, at 25, instead of reacting to change, I made a change, finally, for me. Not a change for who I thought I was supposed to be, in fact, it was nothing at all like that. I chose to take the opportunity to follow my heart and my passion in the form of a career. I fretted, and was anxious, and asked everyone else what I should do. Everyone gave me different answers, all supportive, all truthful, but, frustratingly{sic}, all different. But instead of reacting to change, I owned this change. I made it mine. I did it because I needed to do it for me. And do you know what the best part of all of this is? It's freed my mind.
Owning this change has allowed me to roll with other changes in my life. I no longer obsessively plan my future based on stereotypical hopes and dreams. I love that I can define my own career, interests, goals and passions. I love that. So if I've gone through all these crazy changes, and I've become such a new and improved person, and I supposedly understand the benefit of making and owning change, why the fork can't I handle making good long-term eating and exercising changes??!
All the articles say how closely related to routine and habit exercise and eating are. I do hockey without thinking about it. I don't think of that as exercise, it's like my meditation. But sticking to a caloric intake without diet guidelines and a numeric restriction (hello, Paleo!) and training when it's not warm out or in the gym by myself are very hard for me. It's not like I'm eating crap and being lazy-- only some of the time. I want diet and exercise to be *more* than a habit or a routine. I want them to be part of me like my passion for hockey is a part of me.
Are you in a happy place with eating and exercising? Are fitness and healthy eating a natural part of you? Were they not before? How did you get there? Are you afraid of falling off the wagon? And if you're on your high horse and are going to tell me to get some willpower and suck it up, there's the door ----->.
